Recently,I watched Monkeybone. Have any of you seen that? Well nevertheless, ever since I've realized I miss nightmares. As a child, I would have terrible, horrifing dreams every night. But after ten or eleven or so, they went away. Now though, I miss them. I love that heart racing feeling you get and the whole waking up in the middle of the night thing,,, it makes me feel so alive and so great. I love fear. That sounds horrible, but it is so true. Fear makes me feel like I should be thankful for happiness and calmness, and lately I haven't had fear. I need it basically, otherwise I take things for granted. That's why I like pain. I love,love,love,love,love pain. So emo,,but so true. This sounds kinky, but when people hurt me I could never love them more. It just sends this jolt in my body that,,,i don't even know. Pain is my drug. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel... happy. I'm not scared of death, I play with it. I put myself in trouble everyday, it just feels great. Like that moment where you feel like everything is going to crash but after I want more of that feeling. I like to cause mischief, that's why I always want to rebel, I feel good doing it. I feel dangerous, unstoppable, capable of anything. At the same time though, I don't want to be causing pain to anyone, I just want them giving it to me. Does that make any sense? I feel like a murder typing some of the stuff I just did, but please believe me;I could never harm anyone. Not even people that deserve it. Infact, it's the ones that deserve it that I want to save the most. I don't know why, but if I had to chose between an innocent person against a guilty, I would pick the guilty. If I could though, I'd save both. I just think...i don't even know what I think. Well maybe I should stop before you get terrible,god awful things about me.
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